There was a time, when in my silence, I would feel God’s presence and hear God’s voice. Sadly, it seems those days are far and few between. I know he’s there and that he’s never going to leave. But when my own thoughts when as I lay awake in the middle of the night they seem to speak so loudly that it’s just me I’m hearing.

I think that I find this with friends that aren’t around anymore. It is true that you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. How disappointing…I thought I was old enough to know that without having to experience it.

Silence can be so loud at times.

I sat and watched Dead Poets Society and have once again been challenged on the placement of my heart.

What is the job of a teacher? What is the role of an adult? I believe it has come for me to take some time and reflect why I wanted to become a teacher in the first place. maybe my heart was not involved at all…maybe.

The season is now over and while it was the most stressful, it was also the most successful. From having two seniors quite the day of our championship meet to being sick for a month during the season, each member of that team had their moments of greatness and weakness.

But one member of our team drives all of us forward. Even though his attitude depends on the teams attitude, when he pushes, we push. When he says we can do more, we all do more. He lead the team, quietly, to the best place we’ve earned since I started coaching.

At our championship meet this young man, stood on his block with less than half a second between him and first place in the 100 yard sprint. I had walked with him to that block telling him how close he was to first and how he could take it if he wanted it.

He left the blocks and swam his heart out. He ultimately took fourth place that day, three places short of his hearts drive. He climbed out of the pool, hung his head and we walked silently amongst the roar of the crowd back to our seats.

Soon afterwards, his name was called giving him recognition for his place. I called to him to go and get his reward but he said he didn’t want it. I pulled him aside and said “Getting 2nd place sucks. Cause to be honest your the first person back to know you lost. You never have to like not getting first, but you can’t take that away from the man that did get first. How you honor those ahead of you greatly changes how those below you will see you.”

With tears in our eyes, we walked forward and he got his certificate.

I didn’t know why I was all misty eyed. I wasn’t ashamed of myself, but amazed at what was happening.

Some say that where your treasure is, so is your heart. I think it went the other way around for the two of us. His heart was in swimming, and mine was in him. We both saw part of our treasure dissapear. He lost and my leader fell. He didn’t make first place, and our team’s number one man acted like number 1001.

“I’m so proud of you” I told him later the next week. “But next year, you and I are both going to have to learn how to lose before we can start winning again.”

I’m really looking forward to next winter.

I sang and played my guitar going through the motions of praising God and then out of no where God showed up. It’s really amazing how different worship becomes when who your worshiping seems all the more present for it.

Then I uploaded some videos and did a Sudoku puzzle, drank some coffee, joined an indoor soccer league, and danced around my kitchen a bit. (and it’s not even 10am)

See I don’t see the weekend as time off, you have things you need to do on Saturday and Sunday. They are not free days all of a sudden. They are hours where things need to be accomplish in order to get ready for the next week. But today, ahh today is a free day. A day where every hour could have been taken up by something else. It’s very liberating. Almost as if my internal settings have been restored and recharged. The big fears seem less big and the stresses feel like they just fall apart. A lot of people would hear these things and tell me to take a day off more often but I think it wouldn’t work like that for me.

So much of me is about being where I need to be. Doing my job as best I can do trusting that others will take care of me. (And it works) Today is a gift and I think that’s why it is so powerful.

So many people, myself including, look at India and the conflict in the Middle East with disgust and concern. We start asking where God is in all this. Some even go so far as to pass God’s Judgment on these type of horrible acts. I wonder what puts someone or a people in a state that causes them to want to hurt others as their method of pointing out. Where are we as humans that it takes such violence to make us turn our heads in the right direction?

On December 1st Starbucks is offering 5 cents to fight Aids in Africa for every signature drink that is sold. Why not just donate the $4.07 for that Grande Vanilla Latte instead?

The song “Dead and Gone” by T.I. is about recognizing the wrong mentality in one’s life. Seeing the problems and putting them down. Not just walking away, but letting it just die.

“Dead and Gone” my theme song for now. It challenges me-sad that a song does that quicker then the Bible-and it asks me to really think about what I’m doing with my thoughts one certain things. Isn’t that what theme songs do to us. They play while days, weeks, months, even years go by. In the background while a great struggle is playing out, our theme song plays on.

Where does the violence come from. From me and you…from all of us. It starts in the homes and in the classrooms. In the hallways and in the parks. Every time I yell at a student, every time I judge sooner than I should. Every time I write off a student who bothered me, I add to the violence.

Sure I’m not suggesting that one day one of my students will be on the news for smiling while they issue out death, but then again…What am I doing to make sure they now they’re loved.

At the end of the movie Schindler’s List, Oskar Schindler falls on his knees asking how many more could he have helped. How many more lives could have been saved with his pin or car. I wish my heart was like that. But for now, I feel empowered and passionate. For now my theme song plays as I go forward.

Matthew 28:19 “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations…” suggests that Jesus not only intended us to share him with others, but to raise them up in their knowledge of his power and authority. 28:20 “…teaching them to okay everything I have commanded you.” implies that we are not meant to stop only at the sharing of the gospel. We are not just to gain new recruits to the Kingdom, but to train and raise them in thier authority.

A growing church should be dependent on both evangelism as well as discipleship working at both parts for all members.

The way I see this playing out is like a visit to the beach. Someone stands near the beach and is exposed to the love of Jesus (the water), they step onto the beach and start looking at the water. They may walk around the beach for a while wondering if the water is cold or warm, if its dirty or clean. They’re skeptical about getting in. Some leave the beach and come back, some leave forever, and some decide to get it.

Now beaches start off shallow and while you can easily get wet, it usually is a while before your at a point where you can’t touch the bottom anymore.

When the person is in the water, the depth of the water is the depth is, for lack of better words, their depth of discipleship. We slowly get deeper and deeper until we have to be fully submerged to touch the bottom. Then we go out a little deeper and deeper still.

That’s the amazing thing about Jesus, no matter how deep we get in his love, there is still more to go, only inch of depth that we can work toward.

Too many churches seem to stand in the water waiting to help people touch the bottom, or stand on the beach saying how great the water is. (I’m not poo-pooing on those gifted in evangelism or discipleship.-We need those women and men of the church) But way are churches stressing one over the other.

One trained soilder can easily best 3 recruits, but will one day die and never fight again.

20 new recruits can easily take and single solider. But will divide if not trained.

So as I was thinking about what great qualities he had, it dawned on me that those are the same features that are associated with Jesus Christ. As a boy Jesus was in search of truth not popularity. He stressed the freedom and truth of God’s plan. For those he loved he was even willing to die so that they could get what was not due them.

And I realized that I’d be better off saying that Jesus has the qualities of the leader that I do follow and I would be grateful if I could ever have similar qualities myself.

I was working hard and after a strong conversation about how a consultant should and could speak about people in my department I retreated back to my office and sat silently breathing slowly feeling my body both physically and mentally begin to swirl inward. Quickly I felt my spirit begin to go with them and I got scared. As anger and frustration began to become more apart of my immediate thinking I realized that I still had three classes to get through and needed to get over myself quick.

I wish I could say that I prayed and asked god for his help. Nope instead I got up and started for a walk around my school. With ten minutes left before my next class started I remebered that I serve a much more powerful God than any university and prayed for forgiveness in how I reacted and for grace for my students for the next couple of hours.

I had a break down. I had pushed myself just beyond the edge of my ability and had begun to tip over. So here is my dilemma…

I’ll do it again. I struggle with the sense of having such a self maintaining thought process that we never allow ourselves to be used ot our maximum ability. We can red-line a car, leave machines on for hours on end. But so many of us look at the limit of our ability as something that shouldn’t be seen let alone pressed.

So I had a melt down and am totally fine with it. I think mainly because I live with two awesome friends who know me well enough to help me when I’m tired. I have such a rich community of people around me that I know I am safe when I am week. Truly my community must represent God’s intention for what he wanted us to do for each other and I am blessed by that. With them, I am able to push myself and try to do more for others. Imagine if we all had such a community. Imagine how easy life would be then. Imagine how little we would all have to push ourselves if we all had such a community.