I’ve really tried to be as transparent about my life as possible. I’ve been more honest at times when I was afraid and I believe that not just owning what and who you are is good for you, but for those around you…But I’ll be honest, sometimes it really is a challenge not to stop and allow some amount of mystery to return to my life. I just get worn out from trying to be as transparent as possible and yet find myself against an opaque counter part. It’s a struggle still finding more parts of me that are still opaque and translucent and finding the clarity of them.
I’m tired…And I just can’t give it up, not because sometimes I don’t want to. But something in me just won’t let me. Is it my conscious? Is it my soul? Could it be Jesus? What ever it is. I’m indebted to it. I am the most tired I’ve ever been, but I’m also the most happy.
September 30, 2008 at 11:54 pm
Jason,
I am really enjoying your blogs. This entry struck me particularly. About a year and a half ago I met this girl named Christina who said something that has always stayed with me. She said, paraphrased, “I get nervous when someone says to me they know me better than I know myself. If that’s true, then the mystery that is me is no longer. I feel diminished.”
I, too, have been on a path to greater authenticity with myself and others. It’s amazing when you start, and then that voice will never let you go back to that “opaque” (to steal your term) self… Thank God! And no matter how authentic we get, the Creator God who we call Father, whose image on our hearts and souls is uniquely present in each of us, will never be exhausted by our authenticity. It’s like the Catholic Church’s belief in the true presence of Jesus in the Eucharist; here is Jesus, present in the most humble way, a poor, lifeless, small, simple piece of bread. And yet, 2000 years later, His Presence, for Catholics (including myself) is so new and life giving, because of its simplicity. The more simple, the more beautiful, and, indeed, the more complex. What a paradox!
Anyways, enjoying the blogs. Peace and Goodness, MED