The loudness of silence

I am always amazed at how loud my thoughts are when I find myself in silence. All of a sudden there they are, ideas, held at bay during the day racing to the front of my mind with no real direction. What scares me is that I used to not hear myself in the quite of my day.

There was a time, when in my silence, I would feel God’s presence and hear God’s voice. Sadly, it seems those days are far and few between. I know he’s there and that he’s never going to leave. But when my own thoughts when as I lay awake in the middle of the night they seem to speak so loudly that it’s just me I’m hearing.

I think that I find this with friends that aren’t around anymore. It is true that you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. How disappointing…I thought I was old enough to know that without having to experience it.

Silence can be so loud at times.

 

the power of movies

I find movies powerful. some provide such an escape while others cause spontaneous inspiration and reflection…

I sat and watched Dead Poets Society and have once again been challenged on the placement of my heart.

What is the job of a teacher? What is the role of an adult? I believe it has come for me to take some time and reflect why I wanted to become a teacher in the first place. maybe my heart was not involved at all…maybe.

 

Tears on a deck

At the beginning of every November I tell my friends that I still like them and still want to be around them, but that until the end of February my mind will be some where else. I’ll be thinking about strokes and body positions. Last weeks set and tomorrow meet. I’m a swim coach and, thought not the greatest, take the position somewhat seriously.

The season is now over and while it was the most stressful, it was also the most successful. From having two seniors quite the day of our championship meet to being sick for a month during the season, each member of that team had their moments of greatness and weakness.

But one member of our team drives all of us forward. Even though his attitude depends on the teams attitude, when he pushes, we push. When he says we can do more, we all do more. He lead the team, quietly, to the best place we’ve earned since I started coaching.

At our championship meet this young man, stood on his block with less than half a second between him and first place in the 100 yard sprint. I had walked with him to that block telling him how close he was to first and how he could take it if he wanted it.

He left the blocks and swam his heart out. He ultimately took fourth place that day, three places short of his hearts drive. He climbed out of the pool, hung his head and we walked silently amongst the roar of the crowd back to our seats.

Soon afterwards, his name was called giving him recognition for his place. I called to him to go and get his reward but he said he didn’t want it. I pulled him aside and said “Getting 2nd place sucks. Cause to be honest your the first person back to know you lost. You never have to like not getting first, but you can’t take that away from the man that did get first. How you honor those ahead of you greatly changes how those below you will see you.”

With tears in our eyes, we walked forward and he got his certificate.

I didn’t know why I was all misty eyed. I wasn’t ashamed of myself, but amazed at what was happening.

Some say that where your treasure is, so is your heart. I think it went the other way around for the two of us. His heart was in swimming, and mine was in him. We both saw part of our treasure dissapear. He lost and my leader fell. He didn’t make first place, and our team’s number one man acted like number 1001.

“I’m so proud of you” I told him later the next week. “But next year, you and I are both going to have to learn how to lose before we can start winning again.”

I’m really looking forward to next winter.

 

A day off

So for teachers all over Chicago, (should be for everyone in the U.S.) today is a school holiday remembering the works of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. in the racial reconciliation of our Nation. What does that mean for me. Well I had plans to shovel my street, but rolling out of bed at 7 am, 90 minutes of extra sleep, I felt compelled to not work externally, but internally. I got on Facebook and paid some bills then turned my heart to trying to worship God a bit.

I sang and played my guitar going through the motions of praising God and then out of no where God showed up. It’s really amazing how different worship becomes when who your worshiping seems all the more present for it.

Then I uploaded some videos and did a Sudoku puzzle, drank some coffee, joined an indoor soccer league, and danced around my kitchen a bit. (and it’s not even 10am)

See I don’t see the weekend as time off, you have things you need to do on Saturday and Sunday. They are not free days all of a sudden. They are hours where things need to be accomplish in order to get ready for the next week. But today, ahh today is a free day. A day where every hour could have been taken up by something else. It’s very liberating. Almost as if my internal settings have been restored and recharged. The big fears seem less big and the stresses feel like they just fall apart. A lot of people would hear these things and tell me to take a day off more often but I think it wouldn’t work like that for me.

So much of me is about being where I need to be. Doing my job as best I can do trusting that others will take care of me. (And it works) Today is a gift and I think that’s why it is so powerful.

 

Theme Songs

For the past three days now, I’ve gotten on my computer not to log into Face Book trying to figure out why no one writes on my wall, but to check the news for the latest information in what has been happening in India. I was almost in the military and my brother spent 18 months in Iraq and is mobilizing for another 12 months in Afghanistan. It scares me knowing that people so easily find themselves in the path of someone who’s agenda is not them, but requires their pain.

So many people, myself including, look at India and the conflict in the Middle East with disgust and concern. We start asking where God is in all this. Some even go so far as to pass God’s Judgment on these type of horrible acts. I wonder what puts someone or a people in a state that causes them to want to hurt others as their method of pointing out. Where are we as humans that it takes such violence to make us turn our heads in the right direction?

On December 1st Starbucks is offering 5 cents to fight Aids in Africa for every signature drink that is sold. Why not just donate the $4.07 for that Grande Vanilla Latte instead?

The song “Dead and Gone” by T.I. is about recognizing the wrong mentality in one’s life. Seeing the problems and putting them down. Not just walking away, but letting it just die.

“Dead and Gone” my theme song for now. It challenges me-sad that a song does that quicker then the Bible-and it asks me to really think about what I’m doing with my thoughts one certain things. Isn’t that what theme songs do to us. They play while days, weeks, months, even years go by. In the background while a great struggle is playing out, our theme song plays on.

Where does the violence come from. From me and you…from all of us. It starts in the homes and in the classrooms. In the hallways and in the parks. Every time I yell at a student, every time I judge sooner than I should. Every time I write off a student who bothered me, I add to the violence.

Sure I’m not suggesting that one day one of my students will be on the news for smiling while they issue out death, but then again…What am I doing to make sure they now they’re loved.

At the end of the movie Schindler’s List, Oskar Schindler falls on his knees asking how many more could he have helped. How many more lives could have been saved with his pin or car. I wish my heart was like that. But for now, I feel empowered and passionate. For now my theme song plays as I go forward.